Should the parents of Ah Lians/ Ah Bengs be blamed for their deviant behavior?

Ah Lians (ALs) and Ah Bengs (ABs) are such fascinating creatures. I really enjoy disturbing them by being the biggest kaypoh (busy body) to swing by their terrible blogs. I don’t kaypoh because I care for them, but because I’m gathering info! I usually target ALs because they are more emotionally unstable. Based on 6 months’ worth of data collection, when I talk about ALs, I’m talking about teenagers from 13-18 years old who share the following characteristics in varied combinations:

Self Inflated Ego- They like to think they are pretty, but most of them are plain Janes. They normally share the same re-bonded China-doll hair cut, thick make up and an awful taste in cheap clothing. I don’t have issues with rebonded hair and cheap clothes, but ALs have a remarkable talent in making nice hair and clothes look bad. As for thick make up, I think it should be reserved for Wayangs, note for the streets. They like to say stuff like “DM, you jealous of me right? Cos I’m so pretty…” Urgh, I rather die a virgin. What’s more, if you don’t think they are pretty or smart, they mutate into banshees that scream an endless barrage of vulgarities.

Sensitive- they can criticize you, you can't criticize them. They take it VERY personally. They'll threaten to burn down your house, whack you up and start challenge you for your real name, your home address, handphone number and your gender. And I suspect most ALs are homophobic, I guess they just want to get laid by every male that walks across their path in order to feel like they are "wanted" and "desirable". They take rejection personally too, they do threaten suicide (to me, its good riddance to bad rubbish).

Diarrhea of the Mouth, Constipation of the Brains (intellectual poverty)- I realize all ALs can’t debate. All they can do is swear and accuse people of being kaypoh. I find it incredibly amusing that when I leave comments, I get accusation of “stepping English” (since when was speaking standard English a sin?) or for being a kaypoh (I love being a kaypoh, anyone who has curiosity in them will be a kaypoh!). So far, a few ALs have “cursed” me to be childless in future, even AFTER I told them I refuse to have kids due to the 50% chance of them turning bad. The other word they like to use is slut/bastard. Well, pot calling the kettle black in most cases. Heh.

The word “dog”- I don’t know why they have to use the word “dog” on everyone, be it friend or foe. They don’t call people baboons, morons, jackasses, etc. From the Freudian perspective of symbolism, I would hypothesize that it’s a reflection of their behavior:

• They mate like dogs (multiple partners)
• Run in packs (their endless lines of gans and jies)
• Bark a lot (the endless barrage of vulgarities and empty threats)
• Howl to the moon (emotional outbursts at night about being lonely and unwanted by their family)
• Bitch bitch bitch (they are experts at that)
• Run off with their tails between their legs once they meet their betters
  

The inability to swear properly- They are masters of quantity, not quality. They feel very empowered using “f” words and other hokkien words. Unfortunately, their hokkien stinks to high heaven, the sentences often don’t make sense. For example- knn limbei you! (translated as: screw your mother, your father you). That doesn’t make sense doesn’t it? And the part that really made me flinch was the use of CCB by ALs, may their vaginas rot off from overuse.

Self destructive behavior- I find it very cute that they always glorify these three things: smoking, drinking and sex. I think these are activities that no under-aged kid in their right mind would do. What’s more, I’ve been trying to go to a few AL’s blogs to offer them “good advice”. Typical of their rebellious nature, most of the replies I’ve gotten are “who are you to tell me what to do? Stupid Kaypoh”, the nicer ones were “I don’t know who you are, thanks for the advice, but I’ll live my own life”. I have a question “Why is a stranger offering you good advice inferior to that of the gans and jies that teach you how to die of cancer or STD faster?”

If you aren't with me, you are against me- As long as you don't agree with "the" AL way, you are a nerd, even if you can't study. Either that or you're a retard, idiot, bodoh, huan loh, hongster, or whatever, even though you know you are smarter than them and a lot less flirtatious.

Mysterious creatures- no one understand them. Really, you see them declare this all over their blogs. Their teachers, parents, boyfriends and siblings don’t understand their insurmountable pain and anguish over lord know what. Nobody can understand why they do stupid stuff like getting knocked up and going for rounds of abortion. No one understand why they have to waste all their money on cigarettes and alcohol when they highest pay they can get is approximately $6/hr. No one understands why they take so many MCs and leave even though they are earning so little. No one knows why they prefer bad friends over good ones. No one knows why they want to go to NT or NA when they can perfectly well get into express. No one knows why some of them give up poly to join their bfs in ITE. No one knows why they still stay with a boyfriend who rather sleep than go out with them. Are they that stupid? Maybe.

After many scuffles with them, I realize they switch to the “sob” story after some time. They start to cite stories about having a single parent, stepparent from hell, lousy parents, etc. as a reason for their deviant behavior. I think that is a terrible excuse. I’ve met people who come from single parent families with that single parent being a shitty example of parenthood (gambling, loansharks, alcoholism, etc) but they still turned out find. Why? It’s because they have the ambition and determination to pull themselves out of the vicious cycle. So my point is ALs are weak in mind, body and soul. Some ALs reform and improve over time. But hey, a leopard never changes its spots- once an AL, forever an AL. I’ve known a few successful ALs, sadly, financial success couldn’t scrub off their liannie “aura”. Staff and associates would always whisper behind them what an AL she is. So what is a liannie “aura”? This is what I’ve gathered:

• Loud voice- they treat everyone like slaves that require regular rounds of verbal abuse.
• Overly suggestive dressing- most of these ladies are in their late 30s or 40s, most have sam-cham-bak (3 rolls of fat at the stomach region). They like to wear TIGHT clothes that make them look like this:
• Tries too hard to look modern- I’m sorry, re-bonded hair, spaghetti straps, mini-skirts and boots should never be a uniform of lady in her 40s. The effect is revolting.
• Tries too hard to show off her wealth- they like everything that screams money, such as diamonds and branded clothes. I know a liannie in her 40s. She loves Esprit and Ralph Lauren, but somehow, she couldn’t carry off those clothes. Everyone thought they were fakes. They like to decorate their homes with expensive but tasteless furniture. Pink and purple walls do not go well with rosewood furniture nor Da Vinci Sofas.
• The wrong clothes for the wrong occasion- I know a liannie who has to paint her nails beautifully before she goes out, even if it’s to the wet market. And she must wear her LV heels instead of slippers to the wet market. I don’t know what she’s trying to prove.
  

Such deviant behaviors has to start from somewhere. I believe that their parents should be blamed. Granted that most ALs are the worst examples of daughters any parent would want, but I still think parents need to play a more active role in nipping the flower in the bud. Children start to distance themselves from their family once they hit adolescence because it is a stage where, a developmental psychologist, Eric Erikson proposed as a period of “Identity Formation or Identity Confusion. They start to venture out into social groups to form a self identity outside their family.

At this stage, they are the most vulnerable to bad influences because their frontal cortexes are still under developed. Meaning, they are unable to think long term- they rather smoke because it’s cool rather than think of its long term impact on their health and looks. People’s frontal cortex is normally fully matured and stabilized when they hit 21 years old. Until then, I would say that it is the parents who should play a more active role in guiding their children until they are mature enough.

When I mean guiding a child, I don’t mean coddling the child and forcing him/her to do things the parents’ way because they said so. A compromise has to be reached through reasoning- children are not right all the time and neither are their parents. Teenagers need their independence, so parents shouldn’t deprive them of it. Instead, they should teach their teenagers how to obtain independence through responsibility. It can be as simple as making sure curfew times are not breached and how asking for extra allowances might be met if there is a valid reason so that they will learn how to spend within their means.

In the case of ALs, many are from broken families and by the time their parent(s) realize that their kid has mutated in a bitch from hell, it’s normally too late. The years of neglect have finally reflected on their parental incompetence. Their children hate them and hate everything that is associated with the words “good” and “decent”. Their children rather take advice from other hooligans than listen to their parent(s) pleas to be good, study hard and get a good job. When that happens, I always favor chopping those kids off and letting them learn how difficult life is if mum/dad isn’t paying for your living expenses. Let them learn how painful it is to earn a pathetic sum of money only to spend it on food and rent.

So are parents to blame when their kids go wild? Yes. There is always a possibility that a kid’s deviant behavior is learnt or inherited from his/her parent. I know of families with 3 generations of jail birds and school drop outs. So is it the genes, or maybe they learnt how to be bad from dad/mom? Who knows?

Although parents have a big part to play, I won’t deny that some teenagers are really hellish, particularly at the ages of 14-15. They are almost impossible to handle. But parents who are firm and strict enough on their children whilst they were growing up would have laid a firm foundation of discipline and respect. Their children may be deviant, but not to the extent of getting knocked up or hooked onto smoking. Negligent parents wouldn’t stand a chance unless their children are mature for their age. So we’re back to square one- parents should be blamed if their children disintegrate into a swarm of angry bees that sting anything that they perceive to be hostile.

I’m aware that some kids turn deviant because of parental abuse, or should I say “parental abuse”. Some call strict parenting abuse. If you think your parents caning you for swearing, coming back home late, smoking, failing your exams or getting into a fight is wrong, that sod you. You are a bloody self centered ingrate who just can’t recognize that your parents whack you because they want you to improve, not because they hate you. In this case, it’s clearly the kid’s fault and partially their parents’ fault for not realizing that caning is no longer a solution to the problem.

I don’t think there such a thing as “I give up hope, I tried everything and I still can’t correct him/her”. It’s a matter of catching them when they are young and instilling values into them. When they are young, they are like a “tabula rasa” (blank sheet of paper). They are still pure and clean, so as a parent, you write down the values you want them to uphold before that piece of paper becomes yellowed, brittle and crowded with negative values accumulated with age, bitterness and misunderstanding.