To Forgive or Not to Forgive?

That is the question. Not meant to be a parody of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, but forgiveness is truly a complex concept. It is easy to say one should forgive another for their sins or mistakes, quite difficult to actually do it.

This is because the damage done is very real, and the words usually very empty.

I’m very much influenced by Chinese philosophy, especially that of Confucius, and he provides some interesting ideas about forgiveness and magnanimity.

In Chinese culture we always used to say, “To repay vengeance with virtue”. It’s again, easy to say, but doing it makes one feel that one is always being taken advantage of.

When someone treats you badly, or does something to damage your interests, the “Chinese” response was often to suffer in silence, and console oneself by saying: “To exact revenge is beneath the morals of a gentleman.” This was the common and erroneous interpretation of Confucian moral philosophy.

Here’s what Confucius actually said:
One of his students asked him: “Is it good to repay vengeance with virtue?”
Confucius replied: “Then with what do you repay virtue?”

His point was that if virtue was used to repay vengeance and gratitude, then wouldn’t the two be the same?

Therefore Confucius added: “Repay vengeance with forthrightness, repay virtue with virtue.”

So what does this mean? It means that vengeance calls for a direct response. It calls for a sense of justice, a sense of righting wrongs. It doesn’t mean complete forgiveness, and certainly doesn’t mean suffering in silence.

As De Maitre has pointed out, "If you can forgive murderers, rapists, serial drug addicts, you are either very magnanimous or very stupid". Whether that’s true is arguable, but my point is, forgiveness is not something that can be given blindly.