"What Is" Series- What is Forgiveness?

What is Forgiveness?


I’m going to discuss the meaning of forgiveness today- no, I’m not going to preach; no, I’m not a Christian and no, I don’t intend to convert to Christianity after this video. I HATE all religions; I worship money, reason and logic though. =P Back to the topic- what is forgiveness? How capable are you of rendering forgiveness?

This video is extremely interesting not because I learnt of a new “ulu” place; rather, it is about unconditional forgiveness. How many of us are actually capable of that? Complete forgiveness of the murderer of your child is something quite beyond me. Those who have experienced the loss of a child would understand the psychological and emotional pain that a parent will undergo, especially the mother; they will start the blame everything from God, to the murderer and themselves for putting their child into danger. Over time, thoughts of revenge would start creeping up on them- irrational thoughts about killing their murderer’s children so that his soul will feel the pain, cursing him to rot in hell for what he has done, etc.

So what is forgiveness? Let us examine the word “forgive”. According to Merriam-webster, it has two meanings: to give up resentment of or claim to requital or to cease resentment against (an offender). It brings a question into mind, are all the forgiveness for all the hurts in the world like this? I doubt so, I seem to identify grudging forgiveness (due to peer pressure or fear of divine reprisal), veneer of forgiveness (i.e. the heart and mind doesn’t follow the mouth) and complete forgiveness. To me, to forgive a person is to trust a person again. If I can’t trust the person, forgiveness is out of the dictionary.

So what influences the type of forgiveness that you might bestow on an offender? I have identified a few:

Personality- agreeable, trusting and optimistic people are always more willing to render complete forgiveness, they are more willing to believe that offenders are capable of change and improvement, and will make attempts to consciously avoid making the same hurtful mistakes. Cynical, distrustful and depressive people like me are typically incapable of complete forgiveness, once the trust is violated, we move on and dump the offender for good because we believe in the saying “a leopard can never change its spots”. Once hurt, twice shy- the offender has just done something that we were expected him/her to do over in time.

Nature of offense- there are some things that cannot be forgiven. Having a mental breakdown and murdering kids is probably more forgivable than a depraved person who raped a 5 year old kid to death. Personally, I can grudgingly forgive a murderer but I will never forgive a person who insults me or harms my reputation with intention of malice. If forgiving a person once doesn’t help, I think they shouldn’t be given another chance if they repeat the same “unforgivable” mistake for the fourth time (don’t say I didn’t give the offender a chance to reform).

Personal Beliefs- beliefs/ideals have a very strong influence on a person’s outlook in this world. In video, the Amish community belief in unconditional forgiveness is so strong that they just forgave the murderer unconditionally, regardless of his actions. In fact, they convinced themselves that he shouldn’t be blamed. People who come from cultures who believe in the concept of vengeance and revenge are less open to the idea of forgiving and offender. Furthermore, their enmity doesn’t end with the death of the offender. It can be extended to his family, his children or his entire clan- the feud can last across generations…

Duration of offense- I think the longer you stay pissed at a particular offender, the harder you’ll find it to forgive him/her. Imagine those stories of people from the workforce- bitchy colleagues who backstab and snub that at every available opportunity. From attempts to spill their coffee on you by “accident”, missing files when you need them urgently, being supplied false information to work with only to be told of the error one day before your presentation, etc. Many adults can tell you stories of having to put up with colleagues from hell just because they want to keep their job. When it is time to leave or when that particular offender repents and tries to seek forgiveness, it’s almost impossible to completely forgive him/her for the hell you’ve been put through. I guess the resentment builds up over time until it mutates into bitterness and hatred, turning the victims into the next Mt. Krakatau.

I remember seeing this TVM [i] quote of the day “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” I must say I disagree with it. When we talk about forgiveness, it is not a matter of how strong you are it is about how magnanimous you are. There are some sins that cannot be forgiven- i.e. the violation of a child’s innocence, torturing of animals, etc. If you can forgive murderers, rapists, serial drug addicts, you are either very magnanimous or very stupid. When you forgive a person, it is no guarantee that he/she will not turn around and rob or kill you to feed their fetishes. I prefer not to take the chance. I’m not magnanimous enough to want to say I “died happy and at peace” after getting killed by the person I just forgave two days ago. I’m making this stand not because I’m a coward, but because I want to die of a heart attack. The worst possible way to die as far as I’m concerned it to be killed by someone you trust (and forgave).

[i] TV Mobile- free television broadcasts that are aired on the public buses in Singapore.